Prince Lawn Gnome

I remember it like yesterday. The birth of a son. It was a joyous occasion celebrated by all in the family. Yes, there would be one to carry on the family name! Little did I know that this child would be the one to really test me. Yes, he would be the one to show me the breaking point of human sanity, the one to push me so close to the abyss that I can describe it intimately, the one that has taught me the most about myself. I am referring to Prince Lawn Gnome, an unusual name I know but VERY fitting. Prince, as he is the only son and Lawn Gnome because that describes his off the wall humor.

Thankfully, Prince Lawn Gnome has mellowed out a bit. He came into this world with the full expectation that I was here to serve his every whim. Being a cute baby, he pretty much got his way until age two. That's when the tantrums started. Yes, I am the mom that let her son throw a fit on the filthy, grocery store floor. "Mommy's leaving now, hope you find a nice new family." I am quite certain that nearly every day a sippie cup was thrown at my head with a demand for "ju" (juice). Poor little Prince Lawn Gnome, he was unaware that this wasn't my first rodeo. We locked horns for several years, matching determination with stubborness. That's where the abyss comes in. Not many can claim that they have visited this place and lived to tell the tale. But, somewhere between desperate prayer and truly deserved spankings we made our peace.

I am proud to report that Prince Lawn Gnome and I get along pretty well now. He'll be 15 soon and will still come snuggle with me from time to time. He learned early on which buttons he can push and which one screams "WARNING.... WARNING... IN TEN SECONDS YOUR MOM WILL ACTUALLY EXPLODE." It is, however, slightly annoying how much time he spends enticing his sisters to squeal at the top of their lungs. Just a few days ago I caught him deliberately flushing the toilet while one sister brushed her teeth. All the while he is monologuing how many germs fly into the air from the toilet and land on the toothbrush. And, as an added bonus the other sister was in the shower so maybe, just maybe it also made her water cold.

Prince Lawn Gnome vacillates between school boy humor and responsible young man behavior every day. It's hard to know which one will show up at any given time. However, I have learned that sleep and food (particularly bacon) soothe his soul.