Help!

Can you hear it? Can you hear my tiny voice calling, "Help me!" from beneath the laundry pile? "Somebody help me!" I can't help but whine. I just realized that last week at this exact time I was cleaning up after everyone for the one-millionth time and here I am again doing the exact same chores. There's got to be a better way to live. I gave myself two full hours to whip as much as I could into shape. I only made it 45 minutes when despair kicked in.

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm the only one who seems to notice that we're out of clean bowls, or the lint on the dryer, or the hair in the bathroom. Where can I buy a pair of blinders like the ones my family seems to have?

***This blog has become a great excuse to procrastinate***

Okay, okay, I'm going back to it...

The Booby Snatch

Friends and family:

I know that this plea will not pertain to any of you (and if it does then please I don't want to know) but I am making an all out plea to women everywhere.....

CAN WE PLEASE DISPENSE WITH THE BOOBY SNATCH!!!!!

Just today, another coworker was subjected to a visual sexual assault. In complete innocence, she asked to see an insurance card. The very well endowed mother proceeded to pull her complete breast from her bra. She then searched the bra for the card and proceeded to hand it to my horrified coworker.

This is not the first time this has happened. In another office, I have personally witnessed a similar incident in which damp, rank money was retrieved for a copay.

This is 2009. Purses are available on nearly every street corner. Seriously, this practice needs to die out. It should be an urban myth by now. Ladies, I implore you... no more booby snatch!

Tread Lightly

It's been over a week and hubby has had no nicotine!!! We are still treading lightly as not to disturb the sleeping giant. Every once in a while you can hear his roar and feel the trembling of the house, but if you throw a piece of candy in his direction, the roar quiets down to a mere grumble and we can live with that.

This week brought sunshine! And so, I planted flowers in the pots and marveled at their beauty. Then Rascal, dug up one, laid down on another and basically basked in the sunshine on top of my flowers! I replanted them and ordered him to another area of the yard (for Pete's sake he has the whole yard). Rascal would be well advised to tread lightly.

Braveheart is finished carting Prince Lawn Gnome around in the car. It's no longer fun. Today she left him in the dust and went off on a shopping spree all by herself. He tried to stand in front of the car to convince her that he really, really wanted to go. Braveheart simply revved the engine and lunged forward. Prince Lawn Gnome would be well advised to also tread lightly as Braveheart has not had her license for long and dear God, please don't let her run over her brother!

A close friend informed me that her son let her in on some very valuable information. He is all of 12 years old and his friend, a friend of Songbird's, has been know to play "three hours in heaven." We were reeling from the actual stabs of pain through the heart at the realization that such games are being played by kids we actually know. Please children tread lightly with these valuable pieces of info as your parents may not be able to take it.

I did find it amusing that it's now "three hours in heaven," it must be the effects of the Viagra generation.

Day Two...

Can you say powder keg? Day two of hubby not smoking has been typical. Edginess, crabiness, downright rudeness... mental note... call Chantrix 1-800 number to complain about lack of effectiveness. I have spent a good part of the day using avoidance as a self defense mechanism. However, that was only possible for half the day. Jointly, we went to Satanmart (commonly know as Walmart) to pick up birthday party supplies for Songbird. It wasn't pretty. Hubby found it necessary to comment on each item on the list. Then, we bought up all the no smoking aids we could find, otherwise known as on-sale Easter candy. Have you spent an eternity in the card aisle with a grown man that has to listen to every single musical card out there before? Again, not pretty. By this time I'm reverting back to Lamaze breathing techniques... patience... just a little patience...

What seemed like an hour later, we finally made it to the other side of the store. I'm picking up coffee creamer for myself. I swear there's something addictive in the Coffemate Creamers. I was bummed because it looks like they may not be making Chocolate Raspberry anymore. I should have never mentioned it out loud, because once again the hubby finds it necessary to comment on the choices. Still doing Lamaze, I continue halfway down the aisle ignoring his rant, when suddenly I hear, "Woman! Are you listening to me?"

Now, I LOVE my hubby. I know he's edgy. I know he is not acting with any ounce of normalcy, but did I hear him say "Woman?" He did NOT just call me "Woman!" in the middle of Satanmart! Major Lamaze breathing at this point. More breathing. More breathing. It is possible to come down from a near murder pinnacle if you really, really try. Oh, my gosh. It is only day two.

An Early Christmas!!!!!

Okay, okay, I know I just posted, but this is too exciting to keep to myself! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! Christmas has come early! John Madden is retiring!!!!!!! Finally!!!!!!

No, longer will I be subjected to the repeated "He's the best player in the NFL today" comment!
No more thirty million turkey legs!
No more bus tours!
And, it is worth saying more than once (as we are always subjected to it more than once a game) "He's the best player in the NFL today." Never mind that this time he's referring to a different player!

I know he is a legend.... I know he's been an untouchable... I don't care. He drives me CRAZY. I am extra excited that I won't have to listen to him drivel on and on this season! I cannot stop with the exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!! I am that excited!

Oh, happy day! Oh, happy day!

Day One...

Day one... my hubby is trying to quit smoking... again. I had actually forgotten that today was D day until I heard the unwrapping of multiple Jolly Ranchers come from his side of the bed. This time he's trying Chantrix. It's worked for two people that we personally know. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because, well you see, I've been here before. I've been at day one before... four times. Day one really isn't all that bad in comparison to let's see... day 14. The day that is forever ingrained in my mind when I actually heard myself say, "This is ridiculous just smoke already!"

For the record, I hate the smoking. I hate the smell. I hate that my clothing smells like smoke too, even though I've never been a smoker. I hate that each time I wash my curtains they come out looking two shades lighter in color. I hate the ash trays that I constantly empty. I hate the smell in the car. I hate the money spent on the cigarettes.

I go back and forth on how much I blame my hubby and his responsibility for all this or the tobacco companies. Truly, he is addicted. His efforts to quit have been genuine and they are long and drawn out battles. He suffers and we suffer as a family. The kids are bracing for major grouchiness and edginess. It's hard to be good cheerleaders when we've been bit by this before only to go back to the regularly scheduled smoking program. And, yet, there is that tiny, glimmer of hope. In the meantime, we will keep a well stocked drawer of candy and tread lightly.

Fame and Fortune

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer. I was certain that I'd make it and everyone would see me on t.v. They would be envious and I would dance and dance till my heart's desire. It would be the best! I didn't know that after a few years television shows (particularly bad ones) get canceled. I needed a new plan.

My plan definitely included being interviewed by Barbara Walters! I often rehearsed my very serious interview out loud. I don't remember what I desperately wanted the world to know and that wasn't really the important part anyway. The important thing was that people would WANT to hear what I had to say. Now, I turn on The View and I think, Barbara Walters should just give it up already. blah...blah...blah...blah...blah

When I was a preteen, I could often be found with a microphone a.k.a. hairbrush or spatula. Certainly, I was every bit as good as Anne or Nancy Wilson. Yes, a rockstar would work too. I could tour and wear leather pants. Oh, yes, and I could dance too! I would have millions of adoring fans. Now, I know that my voice only emulates my rockstar heroines when I'm in my car with the windows rolled up and the volume up way too high. (It's a magic car.)

As a young mother, a fantasized about being on Oprah. She would praise the ingenious stylings of writing in my first novel. Naturally, it would be considered one of the greatest American novels of all time. It would be a best seller and this was before her book club. Yes, I have a pseudonym all picked out. I would toy with the idea of going on her show as myself or in disguise to protect my much needed privacy. After all, aren't reclusive authors more interesting? Now, I watch Oprah and I think, this show has gone down hill. She should also give it up. And, then I think, crap, I better get it together or I will never have my great American novel done in time!

Now, as a 36 year old wife and mother, I desire just a little fame... and just enough fortune to carve out a little niche for myself. Some things never change.

A Happy Hubby

What a difference a day makes. What a difference working in your giftedness makes. Last Tuesday, my hubby was fired, everyday since he has been soooo happy. He is so excited about the new prospects on the horizon that he is up early and brainstorming late. It's as if he just received a huge energy shot. Even the neighbor noticed his mood change. It is great to be around.

I've lived with him through tough jobs and worse jobs. I've lived with him when he didn't want to get out of bed and face the day. This is better. This is much better.

I am so thankful.

Going to the Dogs

It has been long since overdue that I introduce you to our dogs, Rascal and Rufus. (No changing of names here as they are illiterate and unconcerned about privacy.) They are miniature Daschund, one long haired, one short. They are loving and unassuming most of the time. Their good natures have won me over. I'm not a cat person anymore.

Rufus is very laid back. He is happy with life. His days are spent chasing birds and squirrels, barking at the mailman and licking our faces. Rascal, on the other hand, spends most of his time trying to firmly establish that he is the top dog. While, he is codependent upon Rufus for entertainment and snuggling, he is not about to let him lick our faces without then asserting himself into the situation and touching his cold, wet nose to ours. He is jealous. It does not matter that we love him the same or share affection equally. To Rascal the dog dish is half full.

I was becoming somewhat irritated at dinner the other night when they would not stop begging for food. I don't mind giving scraps from time to time, but downright under your feet begging is crossing the line. Braveheart (who really should entertain the notion to become an attorney) took up the case for the dogs. "Mom, wouldn't you beg? Wouldn't you beg if all you ate every day was cold, hard, dry chicken and beef pieces. And, when you woke up in the morning to face a new day there they were again in your bowl." I had never thought of it that way.

So, even though some will disagree and say they'll be unhealthy, I cannot condemn them to a life of dried, hard, cold food between that and the kennel it resembles prison a little too closely. These are the dogs that wag their tales at warp speed when we come home. They immediately flip over on their backs to submit and receive a belly rub in return. They love us unconditionally, the least I can do is fork over a little bacon now and again.

It's Our Job to Trust

This week is a case study in trust, as I am sure, the coming weeks or months will be too. My darling hubby was let go from his job yesterday. I know that there are many, many of you that understand. We are not special. And, yet, we are not somber or whirling in chaos, really it's just a feeling of agitation. The kind of agitation that resides in the muscles of your shoulders and feels achy.

I know, intellectually, that it is God's job to provide and our job to trust that He will. Intellectually. Living out that trust is going to be a great test. It's as if God is saying to me, "You say that you believe, but do you really?"

You see, my hubby and I believe that it is God's desire that he goes into full time ministry. And, while some positions come with a nice salary, our particular church very much lives on God's good graces. It's not clear where a salary would come from right now. Again, for those of you who don't personally know me, I must reiterate that I am a control freak, a planner. Trust in financial matters is hard for me and yet, I feel relatively peaceful about it. Physically, though, like I said, there is a strange agitation. It even crept into my dreams. I dreamt of the cheesecake I had just made. I dreamt that Songbird had cut a huge chunk out of the cake. I was weeping in the dream, sobbing really, and I awoke so tensed up. I don't remember ever dreaming a dream like that before.

So, if you feel so inclined, I would appreciate any prayers. Prayer for the trust factor, prayer that my hubby will finally step into the position that he is supposed to be in. Pray that I can be responsible with the money that does come in. Thanks.

Groceries Part II

Okay, I did it. I went to the dreaded grocery store and you know what, I AM PEEVED. Once, just once, I want to get through the line without someone asking me...

actual quotes here...

"Are you shopping for your family or are you hosting an event?"

"How many people DO you have in your family?"

"Do you work for a nursing home or something?"

I'm beginning to feel like a freak show. I know I'm not the only mom out there buying for hungry teenagers. True, I am buying for a three week period at a time, but still, do I really stand out that much? And, why does everyone feel it necessary to make a comment? I'm not standing in line judging their baskets. "Oh, my, how does your family not starve to death with this pittance of food?" I'm finding it harder and harder not to be caddy. It's a blessing and a curse to be flippant.

You know what's sad, this grocery shopping wasn't even half of what I've been known to do. Maybe, I could sell tickets, you know, raise a little to offset the bill.

Oh, yes, and I forgot the wine.

One Step Forward...

I made it. I didn't subcomb to the Krispy Kremes. But, currently, I'm munching on M&Ms. Two steps forward, one step back. The call of the chocolate was too much to resist. I don't think I could live in a world without chocolate.

It just occured to me that all my posts this week have centered around food. That's not entirely suprising. I would say that a good 80% of my life revolves around food. Buying food, preparing food, throwing out food, listening to children whine for more food. Growing up, food was the center of every get together. It still is.

Practically everyone I know is currently on Weight Watchers. (I had to sneak the M&Ms down the hallway for fear that someone would reveal how many points they're worth.) The amount of will power they exhibit as a group is admirable. They are actually achieving REAL results. Maybe... just maybe... I'll consider adopting some of their ways. Of course, I need to get through Easter first and then there's always Mother's Day. Who wants to diet through the holidays?

I know that I'll do better once I can get into the garden. Home grown tomatoes, strawberries, watermelon... yum. If only it would stop raining-freezing-snowing all the time. I'm ready for Spring! I did notice two tulips bloomed today but they are no doubt under siege with temperatures in the 20's tonight.

Sorry, rambling along here. Ah, yes, M&Ms....

Krispy Kreme

I will not have one... I will not have one... I will not have one despite the fact that no less than three dozen of them are sitting on the counter taunting me.

Life would be so much easier without skinny coworkers that can down any number of Krispy Kreme donuts and then still run the treadmill in the morning. They have no consideration for those of us that are INCREDIBLY challenged in the self discipline category. Seriously, three dozen!

I will not have one... I will not have one... I will not have one...

Groceries

I'm posting because I'm procrastinating. Procrastinating making a grocery list, procrastinating balancing the checkbook to figure out how much money I don't have to spend at the grocery store. I was doing good for awhile. I had purchased a freezer full of bargains and enough bulk pancake mix and syrup to really last. I was on top of it. Then, the remodel happened. So, basically, I've used up just about everything. And this time when the kids whine, "there's nothing to eat" they're right. I'm afraid, very afraid, of just how high this particular bill could get. It's not easy feeding three teenagers. They're like hobbits. First breakfast, second breakfast, first lunch, second lunch etc.... you get my drift.

Since groceries have gone up so much, I've really been trying to shop only bulk or sale items. This is not my favorite activity. I'm not a bargain shopper by nature. Mostly, I just buy something because I'm already in the store and don't want to have to come back later. I figure time is money, right? Fortunately for me, my two closest girlfriends are VERY thrifty. They are my opposite when it comes to money. Like the time we were on vacation and I was forced to park a million miles away from the entrance into Silver Dollar City so that we could park for free. I'm like, "it's only $20 to park up close!" I hate to admit it, but I was glad when I left the park and still had some money in my pocket. That $20 made a difference. ( I admitted it already, don't expect me to say it again.)

So, here I go... off to peruse the ads for this week. Off to make a list and check it twice. Off to balance the dreaded check book. Wine is definitely making the list!