The Perfect Man

For awhile now, I've been hearing all about how my husband is the perfect man. He frequently mentions it. You see, he happened across an article in the Octover issue of Popular Mechanics, "100 Skills Every Man Should Know." If you're interested, you can find it with instructional videos at www.popularmechanics.com/home_journal/how_to/4284709.html. Anyway, he has been strutting around like a peacock stating that he knows all 100. So, just for fun, I thought I'd take a closer look at the list and add my two cents worth.

Popular Mechanics has divided the list into catagories. The first is Automotive:

1. Handle a blowout
2. Drive in snow
3. Check trouble codes
4. Replace fan belt
5. Wax a car
6. Conquer an off-road obstacle
7. Use a stick welder
8. Hitch up a trailer
9. Jump start a car

My Automotive List:

Please keep car clean, including no smoking in the vehicle. It wouldn't hurt to actually run through a car wash once in awhile. Please check all fluids, tire pressure and anything else that has to do with car stuff. Whenever your wife states that the car "sounds funny" or is "acting up" the phrase "operator error" never applies.

Handling Emergencies:

10. Perform the Heimlich
11. Reverse hypothermia episode
12. Perform hands-only CPR
13. Escape a sinking car

My Emergency List:

Please realize that just because you have seen an episode or two of ER, does not mean you know everything.

Home:

14. Carve a turkey
15. Use a sewing machine
16. Put out a fire
17. Home brew beer
18. Remove bloodstains from fabric
19. Move heavy stuff
20. Grow food
21. Read an electric meter
22. Shovel the right way
23. Solder wire
24. Tape drywall
25. Split firewood
26. Replace a facet washer
27. Mix concrete
28. Paint a straight line
29. Use a French knife
30. Prune bushes and small trees
31. Iron a shirt
32. Fix a toilet tank flapper
33. Change a single-pole switch
34. Fell a tree
35. Replace a broken windowpane
36. Set up a ladder, safely
37. Fix a faucet cartridge
38. Sweat copper tubing
39. Change a diaper
40. Grill with charcoal
41. Sew a button on a shirt
42. Fold the flag

My Home List:

Whew! This is a big category! But, why or why isn't changing a diaper number one? And please, please tell me that you really do know how to remove bloodstains in case of accidental homicide of mouthy teenager. I would also list killing of all rodent pests at the top of the list.

Medical Myths:

43. Treat frostbite
44. Treat a burn
45. Help a seizure victim
46. Treat a snakebite
47. Remove a tick

My Medical Myth List:

Again, I must refer to the above mentioned ER episodes.

Military Know-How

48. Shine shoes
49. Make a drum-tight bed
50. Drop and give the perfect push up

My Military Know-How List:

I would like to see an example of a drum-tight bed. I call foul on this one.

Outdoors:

51. Run rapids in a canoe
52. Hang food in the wild
53. Skipper a boat
54. Shoot straight
55. Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike
56. Escape a rip current

My Outdoor List:

I've always said that if I were stranded on a desert island that there is no one I would rather be with. Give my man a toothpick and a piece of foil and we'd have cable reception.

Primitive Skills:

57. Build a fire in the wilderness
58. Build a shelter
59. Find potable water

My Primitive Skills List:

Know when to call it quits and make a reservation at The Holiday Inn.

Surviving Extremes:

60. Floods
61. Tornadoes
62. Cold
63. Heat
64. Lightning

My Surviving Extremes List:

Accept it when I say I'm hot, accept it when I say I'm cold. Please refrain from standing in the doorway to see the tornado touch down and please stay out of metal lawn chairs during lightning.

Teach Your Kids:

65. Cast a line
66. Lend a hand
67. Change a tire
68. Throw a spiral
69. Fly a stunt kite
70. Drive a stick shift
71. Parallel park
72. Tie a bowline
73. Tie a necktie
74. Whittle
75. Ride a bike

My Teach Your Kids List:

Always listen to your mother! The phrase "yes, ma'am" will get you far in life.

Technology:

76. Install a graphics card
77. Take the perfect portrait
78. Calibrate HDTV settings
79. Shoot a home movie
80. Ditch your hard drive

My Technology List:

Once again, the phrase "operator error" should never be applied to tech circumstances. For the love of God, please stop messing with the TV settings just when I've settled in to watch a movie!

Master Key Workshop Tools:

81. Drill driver
82. Grease gun
83. Coolant hydrometer
84. Socket wrench
85. Test light
86. Brick trowel
87. Framing hammer
88. Wood chisel
89. Spade bit
90. Circular saw
91. Sledgehammer
92. Hacksaw
93. Torque wrench
94. Air wrench
95. Infrared thermometer
96. Sandblaster
97. Crosscut saw
98. Hand plane
99. Multimeter
100. Feeler gauges

My Master Key Workshop Tools List:

I have no problem with this list and actually it would have been a good guide for Christmas and birthday presents about sixteen years ago. I only ask that equal monies be allocated for decorating and redecorating according to whim. An additional toolbox with a lock should be set aside for the woman of the house. It should contain: a hammer, nails for hanging pictures, screwdrivers, tape measure, duct tape and a stud finder!