Restless

Lately, there has been a restlessness deep within that I cannot shake. I want to shake it free, I want to wrap it up neatly and put it back on a shelf, back to the dusty recesses of my heart and mind and leave it there. That is, after all, where it belongs. But, I can't. I can't seem to let it go. I can't stop thinking about my Dad.

Every few days I have this nagging feeling that I should call him, but I don't. Part of me knows that our relationship as father and daughter has run it's course. He knows it. I know it. Why pretend? It's too painful to pretend. And yet, I can't seem to let go. For so long I've wanted to just let by-gone's be by-gone's, to just move on, to be free from relational guilt so why is it so hard to let this relationship go? Why is it bothering me now? Why is this creeping up on me?

I know that as an adult, as a Christian that I should honor my father. I should be willing to take the first step, but the true heart of me knows I shouldn't be the one making the overtures.

Thinking back, I remember a picture from my childhood. I was around five years old. In the picture I have my arms around my Daddy's neck and I am squeezing him for all I'm worth. Because, when you're five and you want to show someone you love them you squeeze really, really hard because more is always better. That's the last time I remember feeling that way about him. And that's what I want to just put back on the shelf, that memory, that time, that part of our relationship that was genuine and real.

It's not like that now. I'm restless. I cry. I lose sleep. And why? Why am I doing this to myself? Why can't I just let it be?