Suey!

When I was a kid we used to have great fun playing Pig Mania. The game entailed throwing two pig figurines like dice, depending on how they landed, you scored points. We loved this game. We particularly snickered when the pigs would land touching, we'd shout "makin' bacon!"
I recently saw this game at Target under another name. I almost bought it for ol' times sake. Now, I'm thinking of buying it as a stress buster.

I work in a hospital. I am so sick of Swine flu and it hasn't even been that long. I think we are particularly upset by this because we already told ourselves that we had survived flu season. Every winter is hard to get through, but by spring the numbers are supposed to go down. We're tired.

Yes, a little Pig Mania is in order.

Help!

Can you hear it? Can you hear my tiny voice calling, "Help me!" from beneath the laundry pile? "Somebody help me!" I can't help but whine. I just realized that last week at this exact time I was cleaning up after everyone for the one-millionth time and here I am again doing the exact same chores. There's got to be a better way to live. I gave myself two full hours to whip as much as I could into shape. I only made it 45 minutes when despair kicked in.

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm the only one who seems to notice that we're out of clean bowls, or the lint on the dryer, or the hair in the bathroom. Where can I buy a pair of blinders like the ones my family seems to have?

***This blog has become a great excuse to procrastinate***

Okay, okay, I'm going back to it...

The Booby Snatch

Friends and family:

I know that this plea will not pertain to any of you (and if it does then please I don't want to know) but I am making an all out plea to women everywhere.....

CAN WE PLEASE DISPENSE WITH THE BOOBY SNATCH!!!!!

Just today, another coworker was subjected to a visual sexual assault. In complete innocence, she asked to see an insurance card. The very well endowed mother proceeded to pull her complete breast from her bra. She then searched the bra for the card and proceeded to hand it to my horrified coworker.

This is not the first time this has happened. In another office, I have personally witnessed a similar incident in which damp, rank money was retrieved for a copay.

This is 2009. Purses are available on nearly every street corner. Seriously, this practice needs to die out. It should be an urban myth by now. Ladies, I implore you... no more booby snatch!

Tread Lightly

It's been over a week and hubby has had no nicotine!!! We are still treading lightly as not to disturb the sleeping giant. Every once in a while you can hear his roar and feel the trembling of the house, but if you throw a piece of candy in his direction, the roar quiets down to a mere grumble and we can live with that.

This week brought sunshine! And so, I planted flowers in the pots and marveled at their beauty. Then Rascal, dug up one, laid down on another and basically basked in the sunshine on top of my flowers! I replanted them and ordered him to another area of the yard (for Pete's sake he has the whole yard). Rascal would be well advised to tread lightly.

Braveheart is finished carting Prince Lawn Gnome around in the car. It's no longer fun. Today she left him in the dust and went off on a shopping spree all by herself. He tried to stand in front of the car to convince her that he really, really wanted to go. Braveheart simply revved the engine and lunged forward. Prince Lawn Gnome would be well advised to also tread lightly as Braveheart has not had her license for long and dear God, please don't let her run over her brother!

A close friend informed me that her son let her in on some very valuable information. He is all of 12 years old and his friend, a friend of Songbird's, has been know to play "three hours in heaven." We were reeling from the actual stabs of pain through the heart at the realization that such games are being played by kids we actually know. Please children tread lightly with these valuable pieces of info as your parents may not be able to take it.

I did find it amusing that it's now "three hours in heaven," it must be the effects of the Viagra generation.

Day Two...

Can you say powder keg? Day two of hubby not smoking has been typical. Edginess, crabiness, downright rudeness... mental note... call Chantrix 1-800 number to complain about lack of effectiveness. I have spent a good part of the day using avoidance as a self defense mechanism. However, that was only possible for half the day. Jointly, we went to Satanmart (commonly know as Walmart) to pick up birthday party supplies for Songbird. It wasn't pretty. Hubby found it necessary to comment on each item on the list. Then, we bought up all the no smoking aids we could find, otherwise known as on-sale Easter candy. Have you spent an eternity in the card aisle with a grown man that has to listen to every single musical card out there before? Again, not pretty. By this time I'm reverting back to Lamaze breathing techniques... patience... just a little patience...

What seemed like an hour later, we finally made it to the other side of the store. I'm picking up coffee creamer for myself. I swear there's something addictive in the Coffemate Creamers. I was bummed because it looks like they may not be making Chocolate Raspberry anymore. I should have never mentioned it out loud, because once again the hubby finds it necessary to comment on the choices. Still doing Lamaze, I continue halfway down the aisle ignoring his rant, when suddenly I hear, "Woman! Are you listening to me?"

Now, I LOVE my hubby. I know he's edgy. I know he is not acting with any ounce of normalcy, but did I hear him say "Woman?" He did NOT just call me "Woman!" in the middle of Satanmart! Major Lamaze breathing at this point. More breathing. More breathing. It is possible to come down from a near murder pinnacle if you really, really try. Oh, my gosh. It is only day two.

An Early Christmas!!!!!

Okay, okay, I know I just posted, but this is too exciting to keep to myself! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! Christmas has come early! John Madden is retiring!!!!!!! Finally!!!!!!

No, longer will I be subjected to the repeated "He's the best player in the NFL today" comment!
No more thirty million turkey legs!
No more bus tours!
And, it is worth saying more than once (as we are always subjected to it more than once a game) "He's the best player in the NFL today." Never mind that this time he's referring to a different player!

I know he is a legend.... I know he's been an untouchable... I don't care. He drives me CRAZY. I am extra excited that I won't have to listen to him drivel on and on this season! I cannot stop with the exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!! I am that excited!

Oh, happy day! Oh, happy day!

Day One...

Day one... my hubby is trying to quit smoking... again. I had actually forgotten that today was D day until I heard the unwrapping of multiple Jolly Ranchers come from his side of the bed. This time he's trying Chantrix. It's worked for two people that we personally know. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because, well you see, I've been here before. I've been at day one before... four times. Day one really isn't all that bad in comparison to let's see... day 14. The day that is forever ingrained in my mind when I actually heard myself say, "This is ridiculous just smoke already!"

For the record, I hate the smoking. I hate the smell. I hate that my clothing smells like smoke too, even though I've never been a smoker. I hate that each time I wash my curtains they come out looking two shades lighter in color. I hate the ash trays that I constantly empty. I hate the smell in the car. I hate the money spent on the cigarettes.

I go back and forth on how much I blame my hubby and his responsibility for all this or the tobacco companies. Truly, he is addicted. His efforts to quit have been genuine and they are long and drawn out battles. He suffers and we suffer as a family. The kids are bracing for major grouchiness and edginess. It's hard to be good cheerleaders when we've been bit by this before only to go back to the regularly scheduled smoking program. And, yet, there is that tiny, glimmer of hope. In the meantime, we will keep a well stocked drawer of candy and tread lightly.